As a counsellor, I often work with clients who are trying to rebuild a sense of safety and normality after difficult or emotionally complicated situations. One theme that arises more often than people realise is the emotional impact of persistent unwanted attention after a breakdown in a relationship or painful life event has ended.

In some cases a client may describe a feeling of being constantly monitored by another person. Sometimes it involves repeated attempts at communication after boundaries have been set. Other times it involves daily checking of social media , regularly driving around places connected to a person, or maintaining a level of ongoing observation that leaves the individual feeling anxious and unable to fully relax in their everyday life.

What is often striking in these situations is the question underneath the behaviour itself: what purpose is the monitoring serving?

If somebody checks another persons social media everyday, watches daily for updates, repeatedly revisits places connected to them, or continues focusing on their life months or even years later, what are they truly hoping to gain from it? Reassurance? Control? Answers? A sense of connection? Validation from unresolved pain? Sometimes people become so emotionally attached to the cycle of monitoring; they no longer stop to ask whether it is helping them to heal at all?

In reality, ongoing fixation rarely brings peace. More often, it keeps emotional wounds open.

Many people who engage in this behaviour may not initially see themselves as intimidating or harmful. They believe they are simply trying to understand what happened, make sense of a painful event or regain a sense of control after emotional pain. Those feelings are human and understandable. But there comes a point where the focus quietly shifts from processing hurt to becoming psychologically preoccupied with another person’s life.

When someone has blocked communication, changed their number, or clearly attempted to create distance, those actions should be interpreted as boundaries rather than viewed as obstacles to overcome.

From the perspective of the person experiencing it, repeated monitoring can become deeply distressing. Clients often describe becoming hyperaware of the individual near their home or workplace, worrying who is viewing their online activity or more seriously people monitoring their children’s online activity. This can lead to individuals feeling unable to carry out ordinary routines such as going into a shop or walking their dog without anxiety. Over time, this can create a sense of being watched all the time, even when the behaviour may appear subtle or indirect from the outside.

It is important for people to understand that persistent unwanted monitoring or contact can carry legal implications in the UK if it causes someone alarm, distress, anxiety or fear. The law focuses heavily on whether contact is unwanted and if there is a pattern to the behaviour; it does not focus on the cause of why individuals feel it is acceptable to monitor another person. Behaviour that forms a repeated pattern over time may be viewed as harassment or more seriously stalking, particularly where boundaries have already been made clear.

There is often a misconception that unless somebody is making direct threats , their behaviour will not be taken seriously. In reality, modern evidence can establish persistent patterns very effectively. Dash cam footage from cars, ring doorbells, CCTV recordings, photographs, messages, call logs and even website analytics* can all contribute toward documenting repeated unwanted behaviour if someone eventually feels they need to seek formal support or legal protection.

What I often encourage clients to think about- and indeed anyone struggling to let go of another person- is to reflect on is this; if the behaviour is not creating peace, closure, healing or forward movement, then what is it really achieving? Remaining emotionally tied to somebody else’s life indefinitely can quietly prevent a person from rebuilding their own.

This is not about blame, punishment or hostility towards individuals who find themselves compelled to act out these behaviours. It is about recognising that unresolved pain can sometimes evolve into patterns of behaviour that negatively affect both the person struggling to let go and the person living under that constant attention. These individual’s need to break the obsession.

Everyone has a right to feel safe and go about their daily lives without fear and anxiety.

One of the healthiest things any person can do after emotional pain is gently redirect their focus back towards their own healing, wellbeing, identity, and future rather than remaining emotionally attached to somebody else’s life.

Not everything is just harmless persistence, May 2026

What is the difference between harassment v’s stalking?

Harassment generally refers to unwanted behaviour that causes an individual distress, while stalking is a more targeted and persistent pattern of behaviour that involves monitoring a specific individual.

What should I do if I feel this is happening to me?

In the UK this is a criminal offence. Therefore, you can report incidents to your local police by calling 101. They will allow you to make a statement without having to pursue it if you are not ready. This is a good idea as it starts to build up a portfolio of evidence.

Document everything you are experiencing. A detailed log of dates, times, locations, messages, screenshots, witness statements if others are aware of the person’s behaviour.

If the individual tries to approach you, if it is safe to do so, record this on your phone for evidence. If it is not safe, remove yourself from the situation and get to a place of safety and call the police if you feel you are in danger.

*Website analytics (applicable to business or website owners) can be useful for added context to your concerns. A client I worked with who gives me permission to add this was having a relentless amount of activity on her website every single day, multiple times a day and night for months from the same IP address. She exported all her website logs of the dates, times and page views and the sources they were accessing her site from (Google/Facebook etc). The IP address was passed onto the police as she believed this was from the person stalking her. I would like to stress that IP addresses cannot pinpoint an individual. However, if a criminal investigation takes place, the Police can request details from the internet service provider (ISP) of the IP address. In certain cases the ISP will be requested to pass on the customer account details which will help police locate the home or workplace the monitoring is coming from.

If you are being affected by harassment and/or stalking you can also find support from organisations such as the National Stalking Helpline or Victim Support. Stalking Protection Orders can also be applied once a criminal investigation is underway.

For anyone reading this who recognises this may be something they are either experiencing or it is a behaviour they recognise within themselves; counselling may also be helpful to help you process difficult emotions.